Adultery Today

See the stats

Get Wisdom! Adultery and Young, Modern, Tech-Savvy Christians

by: Rev. Ryan deJonge, Pastor at Langley Canadian Reformed Church 

The book of Proverbs is a book about two ways to live, the paths of wisdom and folly. The way of wisdom is the way of the righteous, the way of blessing, and the way of life. The way of folly is the way of the fool, the way of curse, and ultimately the way of death. Along each path sits a guide who calls out to pilgrims on the road, urging them to join their path. They are both women and the both address the simple. They both sound enticing and they both promise great things, but only one delivers on her promises. The result of embracing the wrong woman is death.

The issue that I want to explore in this article is adultery, especially for young, unmarried, modern, tech-savvy Christians. The issue of adultery has always been about embracing the wrong woman, and so it is easy to see why Solomon would spend so much time addressing his son on this topic in at the beginning of Proverbs. Adultery is still a real and present danger for you. It comes in a slightly different package than it would have in Solomon’s day, but the Adulteress is still alive and well, and I would be so bold as to say that many of young, unmarried, modern, tech-savvy Christians know her well.

In the days of Solomon, people walked on paths a lot. People walked a lot period. Since they didn’t have cars, their roads were a lot different than the roads we have today. So if adultery is a path, what does it look like today? Should we expect that it looks like a dusty, uneven, meandering footpath? Probably not. Today we travel on concrete and asphalt. We travel fast and we travel often. And we have a path that is taking over more and more of our lives. It used to be called, “the information superhighway.” You might call it the superhighway to death, because that is where it is currently taking a lot of people. The path of adultery for many young, modern, tech-savvy Christians is the internet. And the woman along that path who is calling your name, looking for youths who lack judgment, leading the way to death, is internet pornography.

Porn is a big problem. 70% of men ages 18-34 visit a porn site in a typical month. See the stats.

The Modern Adulteress: Internet Pornography

Proverbs 7 is where Solomon speaks most extensively about the person of the adulteress. His words are strikingly fitting our modern epidemic of internet pornography.

The Youth who lacks Judgement

Solomon communicates the dangers of adultery to his son by telling him a parable. This is how it begins.

Proverbs 7:6–9 (NIV84)
At the window of my house
I looked out through the lattice.
I saw among the simple,
I noticed among the young men,
a youth who lacked judgment.
He was going down the street near her corner,
walking along in the direction of her house
at twilight, as the day was fading,
as the dark of night set in. 

 

The main character of this parable is the youth who lacks judgment. Perhaps you know someone like this. The thing about this youth who lacks judgment is that you can pick him out in a crowd. Solomon says that he looked out his window and he saw him immediately. He could just tell that this guy was in for some trouble. For Solomon this is just an observation, but for someone with evil intentions, this guy is easy prey. He is the weak and slow antelope that gets picked out, pounced upon, and devoured by the lion.

Notice that this young man walks into his trap: “He was going down the street near her corner, walking along in the direction of her house.” Path, anyone?

What does this look like today? Today the youth who lacks judgment can probably not be observed by looking out your window onto the street. A modern youth who lacks judgment sequesters himself indoors, finds himself or herself at the computer late at night after everyone has gone to bed, or has a computer in their room. There was a time when having a computer in your room was relatively safe—that time is long gone. This is the 16 yr. old with an iphone, android, or ipod touch with wifi, a tablet, or whatever other personal pleasure machine in their pocket to be polluted with porn whenever they please.

Where does the problem start with this young man? It is not with his parents, as Solomon doesn’t mention them. Neither is it his friends, for he leaves their company. His problem is not his environment or even the adulteress herself. This young man’s problem is himself. He lacks judgment; he heads down the path of foolishness, and straight into the trap. His adultery problem is a problem of the heart.

This remains the biggest issue for users of pornography today. The problem with porn is not porn. It is us. It is men and women who use it. In an interview for covenanteyes.com, Rick Thomas was asked why kids get in to porn today. What do you suppose was his answer? They have raging hormones? The porn is so good? His answer is none of the above. Rather, the reason guys get into porn is that they lack judgment:

  1. They are lazy- they spend too much time doing nothing.
  2. They are disobedient- they don’t listen to their parents and others’ warnings.
  3. They lie- they lie to others about what they are doing and to themselves about the nature and effect of pornography.
  4. They are self-righteous- they suppose that porn is their right, and that those images are offered for their viewing pleasure.
  5. They are self-centred- they have sexual desires, so why not fulfill them?
  6. And they are ignorant- they don’t realize the danger they are getting themselves into with internet porn.[1]

As you will be able to deduce from this list, porn is not only attractive to teens. Laziness, disobedience, self-righteousness, self-centredness, and ignorance are no respecters of age. Do you know what the problem is with internet porn? It is you and me. This is why when Paul address the Thessalonians about sexual immorality (1 Thess 4:3-8), he doesn’t say, “You need to leave that sinful city!” or “You need to have accountability groups!” or “You need to campaign against temple prostitution!” or anything like that. What he says is that you need to be sanctified. You need the Holy Spirit to change your heart. The problem is with our hearts.

Our own hearts are what lead us to sin, as Jesus taught when he said: “For from within, out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, coveting, wickedness, deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within, and they defile a person” (Mark 7:21) Commenting on this passages Mark Driscoll writes, “Sexual sins are not “out there” in the media, strip clubs, a gal with low-rise jeans and high-rise thong. Truly the problem is “in you.” It is from the sinfulness of your heart that lust and sin proceed like sewage from a culvert. This is the painful, unvarnished truth.”[2]

The Adulteress

The next character in Solomon’s parable is the inevitable destination of this judgment-lacking youth, the adulteress.

Proverbs 7:10–20 (NIV84)
Then out came a woman to meet him,
dressed like a prostitute and with crafty intent.
(She is loud and defiant,
her feet never stay at home;
now in the street, now in the squares,
at every corner she lurks.)
She took hold of him and kissed him
and with a brazen face she said:
“I have fellowship offerings at home;
today I fulfilled my vows.
So I came out to meet you;
I looked for you and have found you!
I have covered my bed
with colored linens from Egypt.
I have perfumed my bed
with myrrh, aloes and cinnamon.
Come, let’s drink deep of love till morning;
let’s enjoy ourselves with love!
My husband is not at home;
he has gone on a long journey.
He took his purse filled with money
and will not be home till full moon.”

 

Within his description of this shady lady, Solomon highlights four characteristics of the adulteress:

  1. She is devious- She moves, according to v10, with  “crafty intent.”
  2. She is restless- As v11 tells us, “her feet never stay at home.”
  3. She is brazen- She flaunts her sexuality and availability, as in v13: “She took hold of him and kissed him and with a brazen face she said: I have fellowship offerings at home; today I fulfilled my vows, so I came out to meet you.”
  4. She is one-dimensional- This woman is about one thing, and she makes that clear.  She is completely sexualized. She communicates nothing else. She tells the young man about her sacrifices because in Canaanite worship, sacrifices were to be accompanied by sex (v14). She gives a lengthy description of her bed (v16), but not because she thinks this guy look tired. She propositions him with love (v18), but she really means sex.

Do these characteristics not represent very well the ways and means of internet porn, the adulteress of our time?

  1. Pornography is devious. Porn promises sexual fulfillment, an outlet for lust and sexual desires. It invites you to enter into its dream world of fantasy and fulfillment. It calls out for those who lack judgment to come along and step into its trap.
  2. Pornography is restless. The porn industry is a multibillion dollar industry. I’ve read numbers as low as 2-3 billion dollars spent in the US on porn, but I’ve also seen numbers as high as 67 billion and 97 billion for what porn is worth worldwide. Think of those numbers and then consider this even more troubling fact—80-90% of porn that is consumed on the internet is available for free. So pornography is a multibillion dollar industry and only 10-20% of those who use it are paying. How much porn is out there?
  3. Pornography is brazen. It flaunts its stuff. It finds a way to get to you through advertisements, spam, popups, hyperlinks, etc. It invites you to come, to taste, and to see for yourself. We need to realize that the people who promote pornography are master marketers—they know how to get you in, and they know how to keep you in.
  4. Pornography is completely one-dimensional. Pornography promises one thing for you: the fulfillment of your sexual desires. Porn tells you that there is one thing that matters to you right now and it has everything that you need to meet that desire. Isn’t this what that woman (or that man) on the screen is telling you: “Come, let’s drink deep of love till morning; let’s enjoy ourselves with love” (v18)? Click, click, click. And you are lost in a dream world of fantasy, gratification, and self-centred sexual fulfillment.

The Path to Death

Internet pornography, however, is a classic case of bait and switch. You go in looking for one thing, but come away with something completely different. Solomon explains the process as he continues.

Proverbs 7:21–23 (NIV84)
With persuasive words she led him astray;
she seduced him with her smooth talk.
All at once he followed her
like an ox going to the slaughter,
like a deer stepping into a noose
till an arrow pierces his liver,
like a bird darting into a snare,
little knowing it will cost him his life.

 

With the adulteress you start in a dream world, but very quickly you find yourself in a nightmare. Notice the progression that verses 21-23 describe: first you are lead astray, then you are trapped, and then slowly, unknowingly even, you head to your death. You don’t die right away. You only start dying. But just like a deer in a noose, your doom is certainly coming.

This is precisely what happens with pornography. You get into it because you have a desire to fulfill or a fantasy to explore, but very quickly it starts to unravel and destroy you. The negative effects of pornography use on especially the male mind are well documented. Here are just a few.

  1. Pornography use contributes to social and psychological problems. Studies show a correlation between increased use of porn and increased neglect of work, social isolation, and even depression.
  2. It rewires the brain. Just like a path in the woods is formed by frequent use, so are the neural pathways in the brain. Frequent use of porn changes the footpaths in that part of the brain that is used in relating to women, and so it becomes more and more difficult to relate with them in a God-glorify, pure, and loving manner.
  3. It feeds selfishness, because it is profoundly selfish.
  4. It leads to premarital sex or, more frequently, masturbation. In both cases the result of pornography use is not sex as God intended it, namely between a male and a female in the relationally safe and secure confines of marriage.
  5. It leads men to demean and objectify women. When you turn women on a page or a screen into sexual objects, very quickly the women in your life will become no more than sexual objects.
  6. It distorts the beauty of the God-made female body. Tragically, some Christian males suppose that pornography is good because it highlights the beauty of the female body which was, after all, created by God. But porn in no way represents the beautiful diversity with which God has created females, nor does it seek to promote this beauty to God’s glory, nor does it reckon with the fact that God himself provided clothing for the man and woman after the fall into sin.
  7. It distorts reality, especially in the context of marriage. Think about the effects of porn use for a man engaged to be married. Porn feeds supersized expectations about sex and diminished emotions about women. Can you spell disaster? Many guys say that they hope that marriage will fix their pornography problem. Marriage is not a fix for a pornography problem; repentance and faith in Jesus Christ is. What porn will do for your marriage is destroy it.
  8. It makes gender and sexuality one-dimensional. Both women and men are far more than merely sexual objects, but porn promotes this popular idea that women are for giving sexual fulfillment and men are for taking it. Please don’t buy that perverse distortion of God-created gender. And sex itself is about far more than simply a fulfillment of your physical desires—it is a deeply emotional, mental, physical, and even a spiritual activity, one that is to be enjoyed.[3]

The above only begin to scratch the surface of the negative effects of porn. Porn kills. Perhaps you have heard of the infamous serial killer Ted Bundy. Ted Bundy was executed in the electric chair in 1989, after he confessed to killing 30 young women whom he had kidnapped, raped, and killed, and sometimes raped again after they were dead. On the day before he walked the last mile, Ted Bundy was interviewed by James Dobson and he had one message that he wanted to communicate to the world. The single most significant factor in his sexual crimes, in his opinion, was his habitual viewing of pornography.[4]

Not convinced that porn kills? What about the other partner in that selfish embrace, the woman on the screen? Where does she come from? What is her life like? What does she gain from being on your screen? The reality is that for so many of these girls—yes, many are girls—life is no life at all. It is death. Pornography is directly tied with the global sex trade, where women and girls are kidnapped or promised a great modelling career, only to be reduced to sex slaves, gang-raped, hooked on drugs, and held under the thumbs of their abusive pimps and managers. There may a few stories of a ‘working girl’ who works a regular job, has a family, and does X-rated films for some extra money. But for each one of these there are certainly hundreds of stories of lives that are utterly destroyed by the industry that feeds youths who lack judgment staring at their computer screen in the middle of the night.

Adultery is death. Internet pornography is an ongoing massacre.

The Call

But Solomon, and the Spirit of God working through him, does not desire that we should take this road, and so his message is clear: get off that path and on to the right one! The difference is life and death.

Proverbs 7:24–27 (NIV84)
Now then, my sons, listen to me;
pay attention to what I say.
Do not let your heart turn to her ways
or stray into her paths.
Many are the victims she has brought down;
her slain are a mighty throng.
Her house is a highway to the grave,
leading down to the chambers of death.

 

Step One: Repent

What do we do against the depravity of our heart and the wiles of pornography? Solomon says, “Now then, my sons, listen to me; pay attention to what I say” urging us to hear his voice, and turn from adultery.

I mentioned all the relationships that porn destroys, but I didn’t mention yet the most important one, the one that we have with Jesus Christ, and through Jesus Christ, with our Heavenly Father. Losing or ruining our relationships with women, with friends, with family might be painful and tragic for us, but ruining or losing our relationship with Jesus Christ is absolutely devastating.

In 1 Corinthians 5, when urging the Corinthians to avoid sexual immorality, he says, “Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never!” You cannot be united both to Christ and to the adulteress. You must leave one to pursue the other. You cannot be on the path of folly and of wisdom—you must leave one and follow the other.

To lose that the relationship, that unity, with Jesus Christ would be devastating. Why? Because you have so much to lose. Only in Christ are you God’s child, justified, sanctified, glorified, redeemed from sin, saved from judgment, renewed in love, protected from Satan, a temple of the Holy Spirit, and God’s workmanship, created for good works. Are you ready to give that up?

If you are currently pursuing pornography but want to remain in Christ, what do you do? Repent. Repent from your sins. Turn from your temptations. Reject those lustful desires and repent. We must recognize sin for what it is and follow the course of action that God lays out for us. We cannot tread the path of adultery and the path of discipleship at the same time. To get off the path of adultery recognize the sin, confess it the Lord, seek forgiveness through the blood of Jesus Christ, and ask God to renew your desires.

Step Two: Get Wisdom

The next step brings us to the first verses of chapter seven. Everything that Solomon writes about adultery is in the context of this greater command: Get wisdom. “Say to wisdom, ‘You are my sister’ and call understanding your kinsman; they will keep you from the adulteress, from the wayward wife with her seductive words” (v4-5). To overcome sin you don’t need to just turn from sin, you need to cast yourself, your whole self, heart soul, mind, upon God. Yes, you need a new heart; but you also need a live new life. This too is the work of Jesus Christ, the way of wisdom, and the path of life. Solomon does not outline all the ways that this can be done, but here are a few route markers on the path of wisdom:

  1. Listen.

First of all, listen to God’s Word. Wisdom speaks the Word of God. The Word of God is the Bible. The Word of God is preached to you every Sunday. Through the Word of God you gain access to wisdom, and through wisdom, you come face to face with Jesus Christ, the author and perfecter of your faith. God’s Word is where you will expose the deceitfulness of sin, where you discover the atonement through Christ’s sacrifice, and where you learn to live a new life of love.

Second, listen to those who have learned this lesson already. Sin, and especially sexual sin, with its accompanying isolation, loneliness, and shame makes you feel like you are the only one who has struggled with the sin and that no one else would understand what you are going through. It can be liberating just to hear accounts of how other men and women have fought this battle. You are not alone in your struggle against sin. Hear the supportive voices of others who their help in the name of the Lord.

  1. Talk about it

Satan feeds off of embarrassment and shame. Darkness creates secrecy, shame, lies, and embarrassment. But the light brings them into the open. Bringing your sins into the light with trusted friends, elders, pastors, and parents allows the light to begin to work on it. You don’t need fight this battle alone.

Talk to you friends. My good, godly friends were indispensable in helping to deal with my struggles with sexual sins. Being a good, godly friend to others allowed me the privilege of praying for and helping them when they were struggling. For about four years I would meet with two or three close friends for accountability sessions every 3 or 4 weeks on a Saturday morning over breakfast. As we all broke from the grip sexual temptations we all joined in the powerful grip of godly friendship.

  1. Inform yourself.

The best way to expose the lies of the seductress is to know the truth. Again, immerse yourself in God’s word every day. I recently heard a well-informed pastor say that he has never heard of a pastor who fell into deep sin who had a regular, daily time with God in Bible reading and prayer. Some might cast this off as a pietistic approach, and certainly the Christian’s strength does not come from a mere devotional exercise, and yet it hard to imagine engaging in regular, daily, significant pornography use alongside regular, daily, significant devotion time.

In addition to God’s Word, get good, godly information on sex, sexuality, lust and pornography. Here are a few resources that are particularly accessible for youths who desire judgment:

  • Sexual Detox by Tim Challies. This is a short, very readable, and very helpful book by a well-known and respected Christian blogger. You can read it as post’s for at Challies’ blog (www.challies.com), purchase it as a book, download an ebook version, or an audio book version.
  • Porn Again Christian by Mark Driscoll. It’s a free, frank discussion on pornography and masturbation.  In suggesting this resource, which I found to be quite good, I feel compelled include a caveat. In my opinion Mark Driscoll is on the right track when he is speaking to unmarried and married men about pornography, but he not so helpful when he is talking to married men about other intimacy topics.
  • Undefiled and other resources by Harry Schaumburg. Undefiled is probably the most popularly recommended book about sexual purity for Reformed folks. I don’t have a copy yet, so I can’t say for sure, but I’ve ordered my copy. Perhaps you’ll consider doing the same.
  • Websites: The internet might be the home of pornographers, but it is also the home of many great resources to help you fight porn, like covenanteyes.com and settingcaptivesfree.com. What better way to stick it to the Adulteress of the Internet than to use the internet in a good, up-building, God-glorifying way?

This article has covered a lot of ground. I hope that you will cover a lot more ground on the path of wisdom. If you are immersed in a fight, do not lose hope. We always have hope, because we have a Saviour who is far more powerful than our sin, far more beautiful than our temptation, and far more loving than we can even comprehend.

 


[1] Rick Thomas, You Just Caught Your Child Looking at Porn. What do you Do? 2012. http://www.covenanteyes.com/2012/01/24/you-just-caught-your-child-looking-at-porn-what-do-you-do/ (accessed March 21, 2012)

[2] Mark Driscoll, Porn Again Christian (2009: Mars Hill Church), 13

[3] This is a modified list of those found at B.J. Stockman, 7 Negative Effects of Porn, 2011, http://theresurgence.com/2011/11/19/7-negative-effects-of-porn (accessed on March 21, 2012).

[4] Fatal Addiction. 2009. Online video clip. http://www.focusonthefamily.com/popups/media_player.aspx?MediaId=%7B710D67E8-7AFB-411F-8A37-503EA8B69B5B%7D (accessed on March 21, 2012).

About Reformed Outfitters

View all posts by Reformed Outfitters